Falling down the motorway in the evening, listening to the inane pitter patter of journo-speak upstairs on the radio, going mad at the repetition and the absolute certainty of the next intelligent talking head, breathing deeply and from deep down in the stomach, and trying hard not to smoke, there’s always something that gives the final shove beyond redemption, sends me falling and tumbling into a vertigo nightmare, hurtling with floppy lips and flappy cheeks parachute-less, and it’s the traffic report.
Puhlease but what possible use to humanity is a traffic report. Is there a single person on this planet who doesn’t yet know that everyfuckingcar comes to a standstill between the hours of five and seven everyfuckingday? Every street in every town in every province is stopped, everyfuckingwhere. That’s it, that’s the report, we’re all stopped and hoping that some fucker will come on the radio and help us out of our misery. But no, another mouth full of a gob-stopper, comes on telling me that Store Street is backed up, I mean right back up to, hard up against Dame Street and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, cause I’m stuck on the Ennis Road.
The report is redundant, it’s obsolete. Traffic updates are no longer required; traffic suggests movement, a traffic dynamic if you like, but there is no fucking movement between five and seven, traffic is constipated so there is no need for a traffic report. A quick suggestion is take all the mouths that speak with gob-stoppers in them, and shoot the fuckers; Soprano-like, using the palm of the hand to shield brain splash back, or maybe that mightn’t be required.
There are too many cars, too few roads and no short-cuts left. And until there are less cars or more road, there is no need for any further traffic updates or reports or AA road watch shit or anything to do with traffic between the hours of 5 and 7. Conor Faulknan from AA can hit the bottle big time, and attend AA meetings daily between the hours of 5 and 7 and maybe we can get an update on where he is with his 12 step programme, because it would definitely be more useful then another Jesus Christ traffic fucking report.