The chubby but cheerless Bitter Mouthed Bitch Ban Garda sat chewing razor blades, waiting. The fella sitting behind me, who had major previous, coughed loudly spraying me in the process. Suits and wigs whirled about fluttering with papers and fancy talk. The place was heavy in scum bags and constabulary. Names were called, numbers read out, statements read, lots of harrumphing, loads of harrumphing.
My name was called out. I cleared my throat and went through my spiel one more time. Like a breath of stale air, the charge was exhaled by herself, the Bitter Mouthed Bitch Ban Garda (for simplicity BMBBG). I steadied myself, successfully avoided scratching my balls which I always do when nervous, harrumphed with the rest of them and read from my prepared script.
He looked down at me seeking clarification. I crystallized the situation for him,
And then it was BMBBG’s turn, who it must be said, was visibly taken aback by my honesty, by my abruptness or maybe by my handsome appearance (she never said). She countered with the allegation that I hadn’t paid the fine. Again reading from my prepared script,
Tom stared down at me looking perplexed. He reached for his hammer and was about to send me down to a Kevin Barry Gallows near Mulgrave street, when I produced the document, the dog’s bollox of a document, the magna carta for that moment. That same sworn affidavit, signatures still wet, mine and our local councilor and commissioner of oaths (Thank you Kathleen). The affidavit which confirmed my innocence, affirmed only by my absent, blessed but dead mother. You see, I’d never received the pesky fine but the MAN didn’t believe me, but Kathleen did and so did my mom.
BMBBG reached for her smelling salts but the clerk of court had beaten her to them (Just pretend please), and administered same to Tom. The stony silence was broken by another splutter from the multiple previous behind me, whose knees were now digging hard into my lower back. Tom came to, glared down at BMBBG .
Nelson Mandela like, I walked away a free man, reputation enhanced and integrity intact. BMBBG, well, let’s give her some more time. Tom took early retirement.