I was working you see. In that post-modern intense way, project managing everything that moved, could have or should have moved. Flow charting, mapping and searching out the Critical Path, for there is only one true critical path. And being a 24/7 guy, I was still working when I shot the puppy, yep the lill lovable Labrador went down like, well like a shot fluffy puppy. You see I had to, it was an imperative, multiple deliverables were being compromised, the shining critical path now had a diversion sign, a sign directing the project team to shit creek, and we were without paddle. So I shot the puppy folks, directly after eating the frog and the resulting paradigm shift was, well spectacular.
I hit the ground running on project management day two, today, on a project day that does exactly what it says on the tin, the managing thing never disappoints. We were a diverse group, too diverse as it turns out and some early calibration of our thinking resulted in another movement, but this time it was a seismic paradigm shift, we’d already had the other less sexy kind and it bored us. So, we few, we band of brothers now hermitically sealed and bonded, threw down our name tags and realised that “it” was not in fact, rocket science and that the elephant could and must be eaten in small pieces. We were ready for the next step folks; we were ready to push the needle. No scope creep would be tolerated on this course; no creepy crawly ambiguity would cloud our shared vision. The man with the big stick was written out of the script; we had seen the light and were ready for the big ask.
Speedy, rolling wave planning yielded immediate dividends as we targeted a newer, stretchier goal. The lining up of ducks in a row drove out complexity which breeds change, and change folks, especially at the back end of your project, is a big fucking No No. We so pushed the envelope, especially the outside, that we ended up agoraphobic-ally thinking about blue skies and when I looked at the altimeter, the view was from 40,000 ft.
Those who haven’t puked may have guessed that I have had intercourse with a project management course. I am now officially a master of the universe, and am actively seeking suitable projects with minimum estimates in the billions, $ only please. My hope is that by writing this absolute and utter shite, I might purge myself of project speak but so far this evening I have project managed homework, a roasted chicken dinner and lighting a fire.
Help me please.