I am, Master of the Universe.

             I was working you see. In that post-modern intense way, project managing everything that moved, could have or should have moved. Flow charting, mapping and searching out the Critical Path, for there is only one true critical path. And being a 24/7 guy, I was still working when I shot the puppy, yep the lill lovable Labrador went down like, well like a shot fluffy puppy. You see I had to, it was an imperative, multiple deliverables were being compromised, the shining critical path now had a diversion sign, a sign directing the project team to shit creek, and we were without paddle. So I shot the puppy folks, directly after eating the frog and the resulting paradigm shift was, well spectacular.

            I hit the ground running on project management day two, today, on a project day that does exactly what it says on the tin, the managing thing never disappoints. We were a diverse group, too diverse as it turns out and some early calibration of our thinking resulted in another movement, but this time it was a seismic paradigm shift, we’d already had the other less sexy kind and it bored us. So,  we few, we band of brothers now hermitically sealed and bonded, threw down our name tags and realised that “it” was not in fact, rocket science and that the elephant could and must be eaten in small pieces. We were ready for the next step folks; we were ready to push the needle. No scope creep would be tolerated on this course; no creepy crawly ambiguity would cloud our shared vision. The man with the big stick was written out of the script; we had seen the light and were ready for the big ask.

            Speedy, rolling wave planning yielded immediate dividends as we targeted a newer, stretchier goal. The lining up of ducks in a row drove out complexity which breeds change, and change folks,  especially at the back end of your project, is a big fucking No No. We so  pushed the envelope, especially the outside, that we ended up agoraphobic-ally thinking about blue skies and when I looked at the altimeter, the view was from 40,000 ft.

            Those who haven’t puked may have guessed that I have had intercourse with a project management course. I am now officially a master of the universe, and am actively seeking suitable projects with minimum estimates in the billions, $ only please. My hope is that by writing this absolute and utter shite,  I might purge myself of project speak but so far this evening I have project managed homework, a roasted chicken dinner and lighting a fire.

Help me please.  

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19 responses to “I am, Master of the Universe.

  1. Breathe. Relax and assess your variables.

    But you should know better than to project manage around an open flame. Your junctures will conflagrate with your bullet points and your action items will be blown right out of the loop.

  2. Open flames you say, more like up in flames. It was bad, fifteen mostly engineering types, mostly male, and worst of all, mostly enthusiastic. I just can’t do enthusiasm convincingly anymore (but it was giggle too, some of the buzz stuff I hadn’t heard before). Now, where’s that puppy?

  3. True bock, it was backwards I was going forwards.

  4. getting better and better, the new look is very calming..

  5. Tanks, tanks, tanks. It came free with the package, like those plastic Kellogs toys.

  6. Mike you crack me up! Did my parcel arrive yet?

  7. Crikey, sniffles, sounds like you have truly leveraged your synergies and optimized the deliverables in your strategic assets. Ladies and gentlemen, the pig is in the python.

  8. Ger,

    Got it, thanks much.

    Ger’s dog,

    And like in the hearty Irish breakfest, only the pig was fully committed.

  9. Nollaig faoi shéan is faoi mhaise duit, a chara. Cupla pionta, b’eigin, i dteach TC?

  10. Nollaig Chridheil huibh, Sniffers.

    (I’m a Scottisher so scots Gaelic is the best I cna do)

  11. An Bock

    Nollaig shaona a chara, sea, cupla pionta sa teach tabhrainne !!
    ( I lied, I lied, Princess Darla did this, say and evening please, work amarach )

  12. So are you a He-Man or more a Skeletor M.O.T.U.?

    Love the new outfit hon.

    Best of the season to you.

  13. Howarya Devin,

    Does my bum look big in this? Got it in Pennys for a €5er, Benevolance it’s called.

    I look fairly scary now, in my winter coat in a winter coat, hardy MOTU. That was some serious shit.

    I’ll call over later.

  14. Do so.

    I was wearing a 10E Penny’s coat ( no-one would know over here) the other night and it was whisked off me and coat checked by a finger snapping Maitre-D at the fanciest restaurant I’ve ever been in.

    He called me ” Mademoiselle” and gave some hapless waiter a bollocking for not taking care of me properly.

    Not bad for a Moyrossi coat.

  15. How bad Mademoiselle,

    And can I have the next dance, s’il vous plait Mademoiselle.

    You’re really flying now Devin.

    Respect sister.

    And that’s Moi Rossé

  16. Mais certainment Monsieur Sniffle..I am yours.

    Merci beaucoup for the correct spelling.Linked you up btw.I could not believe I had not done so before.

  17. Bliadhna Mhath Ur, Sniffly.

    All the best for 2008. See ya on the other side.

    Slainte mhor!

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