Presiding judge Huge McNificent enters.
Bring in the prisoner
Sniffle, you are charged with gushing, fawning and “only obsequious” on the interweb. Do you wish to enter a plea?
Yes you’re McNificence, innocent of all charges.
Take your seat.
Prosecuting council Vicious O’Hooligan
We call Sniffle, your honour.
Clerk Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Bock?
Sniffle Can you define truth?
Judge Sniffle, not a lie, answer the clerk.
Sniffle answers yes, and sits nervously as Viscous cracks his knuckles, stands and approaches him menacingly…
Vicious Have you ever visited the PCB pages?
V Are you in fact a frequent visitor to PCB’s pages
Defence counsel Sandra O’Sweetheart,
Objection, leading the witness.
Judge Overruled, you may continue Vicious, but get to the point.
V Are you also a frequent commenter on the PCB pages.
S Yes, but they’re, they’re, they’re ……..
V Sometimes beyond your comprehension?
Sandra Objection, your honour, Vicious is making my client cry.
Judge Sniffle, kop on, stop crying and answer the question.
S Occasionally, very occasionally I might not understand the entire topic.
V But you continue to comment as if you had understood it all, in its entirety, pretending to be literate and smart like some of her smarty literate commentators.
Sandra Objection your honour, my client is balling his head off, he’s a sensitive chap and surely that’s badgering.
Judge Over-ruled, strike that bastard’s last comment from the record, Vicious, put the gloves back on and be gentle.
V Sniffle, you like Sam.
Judge Over ruled you may answer the question Sniffle.
S Well if I wasn’t in love with my missus for the past 25 years and our three kids hadn’t happened and if I grew up in the Hebrides and she hadn’t met Mr PCB and had the twins and gone to California and I actually met her alone and not in room with 400 other bloggers and there was no drink involved and Bock wasn’t there…………………..
Yeah, I might ask her to hold my hand.
V So you like her but don’t understand her postings some times.
V But you comment as if you have understood the postings.
SOS Objection your honour, that type of objection where your man is drawing conclusions with no basis,
Judge Sustained, Vicious watch it, your messing with Sniffle’s feeling.
V And Gimme’s blog Sniffle, those titles,
S Yeah, the tiddles, I like the tiddles,
V And you comment there as well as if you understand the tiddles, TITLES, and his dense clever and amusing prose,
SOS Objection, hectoring and hurting Sniffle. He’s crying again your honour.
J What the fuck is wrong with you Sniffle?
S But, but, I actually get the context and can make out my own meaning, a meaning precious to me, only me.
V And would you classify some of your commentary as fawning or obsequious?
S I can’t spell obsequious and me mam always told me never to use words I can’t spell, and fawning is just like yawning which I never do in public, so no I wouldn’t testify as such.
V Your witness.
SOS Sniffle, you okay babe, want to take a lill break Sniff.
S No, I’m fine thanks and you’re looking very cute today honey (It’s my blog, my trial. So she does look cute it her hot&tight little figure hugging suit and swept back auburn hair and those limpid pools where a married man could get lost)
SOS Can you tell the jury in your own words please?
S I never wilfully left obsequious comments on PCB, Gimme or and any other blogs. I never gushed, gurgled or fawned, it might have appeared that way, but that wasn’t intentional. You see, I’ve had a hard life, what with growing up without an education or home to go to after finishing borstal and other really difficult and confidence bashing/ esteem crushing stuff, all through my life.
SOS You poor thing.
S And poverty, bare-footed and threadbare even at the discos, I never had a chance. So when I saw the blogs and the warm happy interweb, well I just wanted to belong.
SOS You never did anything wrong chicken?
S Never ever Sandy.
Judge I’ve heard enough. Members of the jury, think kindly of Sniffle or I will find you in contempt and have your mouths washed out with soap, and there will be lashings too.
Judge Foreperson of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Later there was a victim impact statement from the professional hard cunt in Sniffle’s school who told of how he lost all hard cunt credibility trying to beat up Sniffle, repeatedly. Sniffle just hung his hands by his side and didn’t hit back. Loss of protection money and drug dealing revenues are being calculated. PHC continues to get hard cunt counselling and the signs are positive.